Grey

I cannot put how I am feeling right now into words.

I spent my long weekend studying half-heartedly and watching korean dramas in the comfort of my own room. I spent yesterday night talking to my x-man when I was going to have a practical this afternoon. On my way to school, I glanced through my notes time and again to make sure that I did not miss out anything.

I was told to stay back for a short chat with my teacher after my practical. Thereafter, as I was recounting the experience with my friends, I saw red for a short while......and the red changed to white as I rushed off for my dental appointment. I was seething with anger from the things he had said to me.

After dinner with my x-man, I went home alone. On the trip back, I replayed the entire chat in my head. I reeled in from shock when a particular word from the conversation popped up, and it formed a seemingly endless echo in the depths of my head. Disappointed. My teacher said he was disappointed in me.

It got me thinking, what have I been doing this year?

I have gone for practicals, knowing that I might not do well and yet I did not bother to study hard for it. I have gone for lectures with my fingers permanently glued to my phone's screen, not my study materials. I have gone for tutorials with my eyes glazed over and mind wandering about how to deal with my relationship problems. I have spent the long trips to school playing games on my phone and iPad, not bothering to read through my notes avidly like I did in my first year.

What have I been doing to my life?

There is a fine line between living my life better, and showing you that I am living my life better. I think that somewhere along the way, I lost the distinction.

I need to get my life back on track. One that does not involve sleeping past 2 in the morning to deal with relationship problems, and one that does not involve walking through doors and hoping that I will walk out of them feeling better than how I had felt before I went in.