I See You.

To wake up in the morning and open the door to the wide grin plastered on your face makes my day. To start up my text messaging app, and read your messages starting from 7 in the morning to say that you have woken up early to shop for my breakfast makes my heart flutter. To come out from my shower and see you working hard in the kitchen makes me feel blessed. To hear that when Superbowl did not have a particular brand of jam, you went down to Clementi before coming back again, makes me feel light-headed with happiness. To have you sitting opposite me, popping each and every morsel of food into your mouth whenever I did the same, reminds me of the dreams I had of us. To finally tell you the very mistake I made in the god-forbidden month...is a liberation.

Tanjung Pinang

This was taken while I was preoccupied with the veins that were showing at my popliteal fossa after the bone-breaking massage. Can someone remind me to never come up with funny poses while le boyfriend is meddling with the camera AND to walk out of massage parlours which have poles donned on their ceilings? I must say that I do not particularly enjoy having women double my size stepping on my back!

Love is.

Love is watching a movie with him with both of your hands clasped together tightly. Love is when you let go of one of your hands, meaning to point to the large Coke sitting beside him and have him reach out for it before you have the chance to do so. Love is when you lean your head on his shoulders, and he turns around to smell your hair. Love is when you go from shop to shop, browsing through each and every rack just to look for the perfect shirt for him. Love is the way his eyes light up after you reveal that the present your friend had been holding is actually for him. Love is the way he frowns as he separates scotch-tape from paper without tearing anything. Love is how his mouth pushes into a pout almost immediately after you tear the wrapping paper accidentally while trying to help him out. Love is the way your heartbeat picks up speed just before he sees the present, unsure if he will like it.

Love is looking at him in wonder, knowing that his heart is yours to keep.

Paranoid

I guess, with due credit, I can be termed title.

When life is a breeze, I create problems for myself. I tell myself that life should not be this easy, and I will look into the different aspects of life and seek improvements. I will look at myself, scrutinize each and every pore, and tell myself that something is wrong.

I will never be happy with what I have.

On a brighter note, inservice presentation today had gone better than what I had expected. Gone were the days when my mind would whir faster than my tongue could catch up (though sadly, I still read off the slides and find it hard to look past the computer screen). I suck at presentations. I hate presentations. But I am glad that I did not disappoint myself today.

"Love is a temporary madness; it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of eternal passion. That is just being in love, which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Those that truly love have roots that grow towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossoms have fallen from their branches, they find that they are one tree and not two."

– Louis de Bernieres

Stay.

How do you measure luck when you meet a man who shaves off his entire head of hair when you say you do not like it? How do you measure hurt when the mere thought of that god-forbidden month causes tears to spring from the side of your eyes? How do you measure love when he has been there through your good and bad, strayed, and stayed?

I love you. I love you to the moon and back.

“Even when I detach, I care. You can be separate from a thing and still care about it. If I wanted to detach completely, I would move my body away. I would stop the conversation midsentence. I would leave the bed. Instead, I hover over it for a second. I glance off in another direction. But I always glance back at you.”

– David Levithan, The Lover’s Dictionary

Family Day

Tomorrow

Today, I feel a little depressed. Because my patient was upset. Tomorrow is the day that she is supposed to go home after a week of rehabilitation. But due to the goal she aims to achieve, and how we deem that as unsafe for her, she got her candy taken away. She had a decision to make. It is either that she forsakes her goal, or that she stays under our care for another week or two. In my honest opinion, she made the right one.

However, her sadness was palpable and it rubbed off on me. Seeing her sullen self, watching her smile to assure us that she is fine, together with the occasional dark comments she make, I feel for her.

After spending two weeks in Inpatient, I look at life in a different light. I had always spent a lot of time with my family, but now it seems like it is not enough. It seems as though it will never be enough. This morning, I woke up an hour earlier to spread peanut butter on white bread for Pops, just because he had mentioned over yesterday's dinner that he wanted to have them. Hearing him thank me out loud for the first time jostled my complacency. When was the last time I had ever done anything for him?

I just found out after my bath that my lifegivers will both be free tomorrow night. I am going to go to the nearest mall with them to catch a movie, something that they have not done in the last decade.

Today, I may be a little upset. But I am sure that tomorrow will be one of the best days in this year. Because I love this couple to bits, and I will make sure that all will be good tomorrow ♥

Saizeriya

Art House

Yesterday

Yesterday, we caught the movie Ah Boys To Men. Yesterday was the first day in a long time that we have spent one whole day together, not quarrelling in the slightest. It sure was a feat, considering the fact that we have been quarrelling over everything under the sun in the past year. Yesterday was a good day.

"I love you. I love your wide eyes. The way you smile. The way you laugh at my jokes. Your shyness. I love you."

– Brief Encounter

Grey

I cannot put how I am feeling right now into words.

I spent my long weekend studying half-heartedly and watching korean dramas in the comfort of my own room. I spent yesterday night talking to my x-man when I was going to have a practical this afternoon. On my way to school, I glanced through my notes time and again to make sure that I did not miss out anything.

I was told to stay back for a short chat with my teacher after my practical. Thereafter, as I was recounting the experience with my friends, I saw red for a short while......and the red changed to white as I rushed off for my dental appointment. I was seething with anger from the things he had said to me.

After dinner with my x-man, I went home alone. On the trip back, I replayed the entire chat in my head. I reeled in from shock when a particular word from the conversation popped up, and it formed a seemingly endless echo in the depths of my head. Disappointed. My teacher said he was disappointed in me.

It got me thinking, what have I been doing this year?

I have gone for practicals, knowing that I might not do well and yet I did not bother to study hard for it. I have gone for lectures with my fingers permanently glued to my phone's screen, not my study materials. I have gone for tutorials with my eyes glazed over and mind wandering about how to deal with my relationship problems. I have spent the long trips to school playing games on my phone and iPad, not bothering to read through my notes avidly like I did in my first year.

What have I been doing to my life?

There is a fine line between living my life better, and showing you that I am living my life better. I think that somewhere along the way, I lost the distinction.

I need to get my life back on track. One that does not involve sleeping past 2 in the morning to deal with relationship problems, and one that does not involve walking through doors and hoping that I will walk out of them feeling better than how I had felt before I went in.

Those Days

These are the people who were with me through the period when I got 40 for an L1R5 aggregate score. They are my staff-toilet Big 2 buddies, my partners-in-crime throughout those bitchy years, and one of the few people who made my younger days that much better.

"There are things that happen in a person's life that are so scorched in the memory and burned into the heart that there's no forgetting them."

– John Boyne, Mutiny on the Bounty

Precious

It is currently in the month of November, and this year thus far has been a turbulent one. I have fought for things which I had thought I wanted and/or needed, sacrificing time for them when I should actually be dealing with my priorities (e.g. school), loved and lost and love again, found and met an old love, relinquished my guilt of never saying the things I should have said to him, and staying out till the sun rises when I never particularly liked staying up, much less out.

Even though I never had enough time to study for my previous semester as I was surfing through a tough wave termed relationship, my GPA rose. I got my scholarship in the same semester.

I have experienced a particularly horrid lesson this year though. It is one that my Mom had always been telling me since young, and even though I have watched the exact same scenario unravel, I was never unfortunate (or should I say fortunate) enough to have it happen to myself.

When a guy loves you, he loves you. And no matter what happens, he will still think that the sun shines out of your lovely ass.

Prologue

I have been shifting back and forth between Blogger and Tumblr for the past few years. I must admit that even though Tumblr has a much better interface, Blogger is more personal and this much closer to the heart. So hello, Appertain. I hope that this time, I will be here for good :)